The Most Important Blog, Ever.

This may be the most important blog. I’m not a big blogger. Facebook, myspace, and msn is where I am. This is the blog of my reflections of my year abroad in France. Who I was, who I am, and who I will be. Personal discoveries and adventures. To begin, who I was before. When I left it was my first time out of the country. I have now been to and visited and seen and experienced about 11. Its incredible. I was excruciatingly shy; unless you knew who I was really well. It took me a really long time to warm up to people; to be myself and let it shine. I didn’t like conflict and wasn’t very assertive. I was a very passive person. But, don’t be misunderstood, I stood up for myself. I knew what I deserved. Honestly, self-esteem and self-confidence were my lowest points. This contributed to the shyness. These turned out to be my main motivations to do this exchange. After this year I’ve found who I am. But mostly, to my pleasure, I realized I’ve known who I am for awhile. I’ve moved so much and spent so much time alone, I found out who I was. One thing different, I now eat my veggies. J I am comfortable with silence. It doesn’t bother me. In a given situation, I probably won’t be the first person to do the awkward turtle. It’s not awkward until you make it awkward. J I am a shy person. It’s just who I am. And, I won’t apologize for it. But, I am defiantly less shy. I found myself sharing my feelings with exchange students that I had only known for like 2 hours. But maybe it’s just an exchange student thing that we connect so quickly; going through the same stuff. It takes me less time to warm up. At least I try to.J I’m more touchy feely. I’ve learned to LOVE the French “bisous” J I’m going to go home to the US and kiss everyone on the cheek and get the strangest looks ever. And I’m excited for it!! LOL. I’ve found that I’m a listener, not a talker. I love helping people with their problems and doing everything I can to help them. I clean when I’m stressed. I’m not the most amazing conversation holder. But I’ve defiantly progressed in that area. I am more assertive. When I began understanding French, and I heard someone say something about me, positive or negative, I let them know I understood what they said. To my pleasure, they were surprised; almost every time J I’m not afraid of conflict, it’s inevitable. I think I have been slightly sheltered in that area. I’ve almost always gotten along with anyone I’ve met. Don’t get me wrong, I still get alone with people, I’m just not afraid to tell them I don’t agree with them. I can now accept criticism. You get criticized quite a lot when you’re new to a country, language, and culture. Criticism is structural, not hurtful. I used to be so scheduled and stressed when I didn’t know what was going on. Going on this exchange and not speaking in the beginning I knew I wouldn’t understand what was going on every minute. It has made me more go with the flow. If a problem comes up suddenly, I can deal with it right away. It doesn’t bother me too much to change my schedule. I still make lists like its no ones business. J I’m just generally more chill than I was before. I’ve found myself making comments in conversations I would have never thought to say before. I laugh when I’m nervous. Which my friends noticed, because they were like why are you laughing? I am thee most UNprepared prepared person you’ll probably ever meet. I haven’t taken my SATs. I don’t know if my year abroad will count. I don’t have my license. I don’t know where I want to go to college. I know I am going to have a LOT of work to do this year regardless if I get credit or not. I’m so unprepared for what’s coming. But I’m ready for it. I have the confidence that I can deal with it and conquer it. I’m beginning SAT daily questions, I’m figuring out the math I need. I’m looking on collegeboard .com. BUT—this year I have found what I want to become when I’m “grown-up”. I want to major in Psychology and minor in Art History. I know I know, they’re not related. BUT I’m going to open my own small business of therapist / psychologist and use art and color in the room to influence their mood. J I need quiet time. I can’t be around people 24/7. I go crazy. I love to read. I’m a tennis shoe wearing type of girl. I’ll always be more comfortable in sweats then in a nice shirt with like a skirt. This next thing, I mean in the most positive way – I don’t fit in. In Iowa, where I grew up, I have my best friends, the people I fit in with. The people I’m completely comfortable in my own skin with. In France, I made French friends. Normally, when you talk to exchangers, they’ll tell you their rock was another exchange student. I didn’t have and I don’t have a best friend as an exchange student. I absolutely adored the Euro tour. But, I didn’t have any real friends on the trip. I had girls I was with the entire time. I have my girl I’d text and tell my problems to. She’s a great friend, but she has other people too. I just don’t fit in with the people that I “should” fit in with. I’m kinda outside the norm. The best friends that I’ve made in 3 years were my French friends at school. They’re the reason my self-esteem and self-confidence is higher. They’re part of the reason my year is as unforgettable as it is. They’re part of the reason I don’t want to leave France. They’re the reason I want to come back when I leave. They’re the reason I adore the French language. They’ve helped me define myself as a true American, and be proud of it. They’ve helped me learn to accept compliments, even if I don’t agree with them most of the time :p haha. I don’t even think they realize how much they have done to help me. They’re truly amazing. And here’s the thing, they’re all two years younger than me. And they’re all GIRLS. Normally, I’m the girl hanging out with the boys. I think girls carry too much drama and they like skirts and shopping. (That opinion has obviously changed) I’ve made one amazing boy friend, Nicolas. But that’s about it. All my other friends are girls in France. Besides my host family, they’re going to be my hardest goodbye. Just thinking about it hurts. Now, who am I going to be? Good question. Next? Hehe. Nah, I’m going to be me. I’m going to go to my new high school (hopefully as a senior) as a confident teenager that speaks French. J I’m going to put myself out there and make friends. I’m going to make the best of the last high school year I have. I’m going to try to not let reverse culture shock eat me alive. That is my biggest worry. There are already things just thinking about in the US that get under my skin that I didn’t think about twice before. We’ll see how it turns out. Maybe I’ll have one more blog about my reverse culture shock struggles?? Yes, I will. And so, I believe that wraps it up. I have family coming soon. I’ve already said many goodbyes. The hardest are yet to come. Time is slipping away and I’m trying to hold onto it as long as I can.
Its 1am. I cant sleep. I’m in the most indescribable mood that I think I’ve ever been in. Its like I want to cry or laugh or throw up or a combination. This exchange has altered so much of my life. They’re going to have to drag me onto that plane. So many “last times” are beginning. I only get to see my best friends that I’ve ever made 4 more times. My family is visiting Sunday until I leave. Its got me stressed and sad. Its bittersweet. I want to see my family, so badly. Im very anxious. But I don’t, because when I see them, it will be like official that my year is over. Time is just pouring out away from me and I cant catch up with it. I just, I don’t even know. I cant even describe it. All I know is that its 1:15 am, I cant sleep and I do not want to go home.